Asking for Autographs as an Adult

     As stated in the title of my blog, I may not be an expert on all things sports, but there is one thing I  am absolutely an expert on, which is the embarrassment of getting autographs as an adult.  This is by far the most demeaning thing I willingly do.  While my wife was reading this post before I published this, she felt obligated to remind me that she has had to stand by my side while she shared the embarassment of these incidents with me.
    

     The worst, and most embarrassing thing about asking for autographs is when you are competing with children for the autographs.  There is nothing I hate more than standing next to a 5 year old kid trying to get an autograph at a baseball game.  Kid beats adult in this situation every time.  Not only do they have the  cute and emotional advantage, but they seem to be able to sneak themselves in between you and the athlete in any scenario to cut in line. 

     One of my most upsetting autograph experiences was just a few years ago.  I went to a 3-game series when the Angels came to play the Washington Nationals, and was determined to get Torii Hunter's autograph in his first season with the Halos.  In the first two games there was never really a good opportunity, but in the third game I got myself in premium position right next to the visitor's dugout when Torii was coming over.  It was basically me and another guy using this strategy.  At some point, Torii acknowledged us, and gave the nod that he would be coming over shortly.  There was a kid, about 10-11 years old behind me, and an old man behind me, but I had good position on these two and did not anticipate a problem.  What I didn't know at the time was the guy positioned next to me was from Torii Hunter's hometown of Pine Bluff, Arkansas, and had a Pine Bluff Little League baseball for Torii to sign.  I was obviously losing out to this guy, but still had good position for the next one.  This is when the old guy behind me asked me who was signing, and being the nice guy that I am, I turned around to tell him it was Torii Hunter.  When I turned around, the kid snuck in front of me somehow, and got autograph #2 on a Washington Nationals baseball.  Torii Hunter was not on the Washington Nationals, in fact he's never been on the Washington Nationals.  This kid did not care about Torii's autograph, it could have been the 3rd base coach and this kid would not have known the difference.  I guarantee this ball ended up in the sewer wherever this kid played baseball like the minor league autographs me and my brother used to get at Prince William Cannons games.  As I turned around to see this kid commit this unforgivable act, the old guy who I had to tell that Torii Hunter was signing autographs snuck around me on the other end to get the third and final autograph that Torii Hunter would be giving out this day.  I was inconsolable until about the 6th inning of that game.

Torii robbin' em, what he does best



     There are a lot of good opportunities for autographs if you pay enough attention.  Most teams have some kind of day celebrating the opening of the season, or some similar event where the players are signing autographs that day.  I went to the one last year at Maryland, called Maryland Day, which was a combination of the football Spring game, and where other parts of campus are open, and the Maryland basketball team also signs autographs.  This is the event where I got my picture with Gary Williams on the front page of this blog.  This was great for me because there were organized lines, so I did not have to compete with kids for autographs, and also the event was free.  Maryland also does not have a huge fan base, so I could get as many autographs as I wanted, and didn't have to wait in crazy lines.  Everything about the event was going smoothly until I came to one sad realization.  I was 26, and the autographs I was getting was from college students.  It was a sad moment once I realized I was going all crazy over 19 year olds signing a football for me.  Keep in mind though that I will be going again this year, so I wasn't too embarrassed about this.

Me and Jordan Williams at Maryland Day



     eBay however is not a good alternative to avoiding the shame of getting autographs with children.  First of all, even if you are really sure, you are never 100% convinced this is a real autograph you've paid for.  Also, even if you do feel really good about the authenticity of the autograph, the fact that you didn't get it signed yourself really ruins it for you.  When I see some of the autographs I have gotten, I remember the story of getting them, and when I see the few I have gotten from eBay, I don't have that same feeling.

     In summary, to truly enjoy your autograph, don't buy it on eBay, don't get suckered into compromising your position based on old people or kids, and do your best to live with the shame of obssessing over getting someone to sign their name on an object of your choosing.